On Losing a Parent

So now that I've gotten a little older, more of my friends and acquaintances have parents that are dying or have died. As our parents are now in our 50s, 60s or 70s, they are mostly dying of either cancer or heart failure. Given that I lost my father at 17 to heart failure, I have a little wisdom to share perhaps -- the kind that only time and experience can give you. The first week of February is the anniversary of my father's death, so it is more on my mind than usual.

When my father died, it was like a lightning strike with the audible echos of its thunder growing ever fainter each year. It was difficult and one of the things that people don't tell you lest you get discouraged is that death can actually be more difficult as you get older. I don't think that being older makes losing a parent any easier, really. At least, that is not what I observe.

So here I will provide my standard advice that I give to my friends when their mother or father has died. For you, my friend, I hope that it might give you a little perspective or comfort.

Follow the jump for the bad news and the good news (though this is not usually how I term it in person, it will give us a little structure for our conversation).

First the bad news:

You will never stop missing your mother or father. There will always be an empty chair at the dining room table. Many happy moments will be slightly darker because a light that would have shone brighter for your happiness no longer shines in this world. The active grieving will take about 2 years to come full circle. Beware that first anniversary. It will hit you harder than you might imagine.

Note though that the grieving process offers different challenges if your relationship with your mother or father was complex or distant. You will mourn not only the parent who has died but the parent you wish s/he had been. Keep your hand on the rudder through the choppy waters. The grey seas will calm, I promise. Resist the urge to lash out at the world or act out in self-destructive ways out of sadness and anger. After about 2 years, more or less, you will feel better. You will reach a new level of peace and acceptance.

On the anniversary or around that time, you may get sick or feel inexplicably tired. You may feel clingy and needy for affection and attention. You may have trouble concentrating or feel preoccupied that day or that week or that month -- you may even not know exactly why. This is normal. Don't fight it. It is natural to remember. Instead, take the opportunity to be generous with yourself. Slow down. Do what you can that day and be patient. The feeling will pass.

The good news:

It's hard to explain in words but once your mother and father have died, while no one and nothing can take their place, you will feel as though they are with you in a whole new way, all the time. In a way they could never have been on this plane of existence.

This feeling can take a lot of forms. Some people suddenly may feel like things are clicking for them. You may feel a warmth, a light or a presence around you at times that you can't define. You may have dreams about your mother or father in which they talk to you about things you never discussed before.  You may feel a lightness or a relief. Your priorities may change. There is no need to feel guilty about this. These feelings too are normal.

There's still so little understanding about our souls, our spirits and what happens to them when we die. I can't give you the answers to that. All I can tell you is that while I still miss my father at times, I do feel him with me from time to time in a very special way. I know he is looking out for me and somehow knows when I'm ok and when I'm not. 

This is a real gift. Death is a natural part of life. The death of a parent is an event most of us will experience in our lives. It is a rite of passage. It is our birthright -- that we will know death and experience that larger communication with all that is (if we are open to it). That we will experience love that death cannot destroy. That we will be left behind to continue the work of contributing to a better world. When a parent re-joins the One, all that is, they go to "study war no more." That is a typical African-American philosophy around death as is the concept of "going home." Remember the things that they taught you and try to be a better person for seeing how she or he lived their life. That's what your mother or father would want for you. Let the knowledge that your mother or father has gone home -- "home" being a good place, where we all will go one day -- bring some comfort to you and dry some of your tears. Your tears, after all, are shed for you. Your mother or father is in a place beyond tears as we know them. That is their birthright.

Comments

thanks so much for your insight!
In May will be the anniversary of my fathers' passing. I was wondering how I would get thru it...and I'm in the age 50-something.

[Ellie]

I just lost my mother Aug, 18, 2007, she was 61. Her and I were at the beach together, our third annual vacation. She loved when we went there we even took our little chihuahua with us, she never left home without him...lol. My mother always had alot of health problems, nothing that I thought that she would die from, not yet! I was always with my mom, I still lived with her because we enjoyed each others company and also because of some of her health problems. I feel so lost without her and the places I seen before, even home looks so different. The world is so different without her in it. My mother was able to have her mother in her life until my mom was 54. I only had my mom until a few weeks ago and I am only 28 years old. I keep thinking even if I live to be my moms age that is thirty years without my mom and that is so hard to take. I can't imagine this world without her and I am trying so hard to except this, although I find that I cannot yet. I will never get over this but I do hear that you learn to live with it.

Your insight is comforting to me. I like to think that my mother is with me all the time now also.

[MARY]

Hello
i was searching for some relief when i came across this site, i have read things that have actually made me feel a bit of comfort, i just lost my mom on 8/26, i was her sole caretaker during the past 4 years and have always been extremely close --we were best friends, went everywhere together and even moved 1500 miles to be near each other. i am not sure how i am going to get thru this, i was her only daughter..we were more than close, each morning is grey and i am losing insight to any happiness, i have a wonderful husband, a great 22 yr.old son and 3 brothers but no matter what they say it seems to get worse as the days go by, is their relief to this grieving,? i miss her so much!!

[Therese]

Dear Ellie
The weeks afterwards are so hard - you hang on and manage all the "formalities" but the realities of missing her take over. I am 6 months on
and so far life has been a blurr of "Ok" "bloody horrible" and "wonderful" times. What other people's "timetables" are for the end of grieving are don't matter - I know my heart will mend in it;s own time. My mother died of emphesema very quickly in April 07 - we were all with her til he last breath and afterwards too. I am bit by bit trying to work out what losing her means to me - some days I wish I were with her but mostly am profoundly glad that I am here with my amazing 17yo son and great friends. Love=living and I will keep on keeping on. Like my mother did despite the odds.

[Therese]

sorry - the last post meant for Mary! I read the post format wrong.
Therese

[kara]

This insight was very comforting to me.
I'm 15 and My Father passed away this october, he had a brain tumor for two years. My mother then passed away a week later from liver cancer. Noone knew she was sick, the doctors said it was the fastest they've ever seen a cancer move. This hit my hard.
I suddenly wokeup one morning, 15 years old, without a mother or father. My entire fondation was slipped out from under me and i find myself so alone and lost sometimes.
Its been a month and i'm still in complete and total shock. I need them both so badly. My mother was my best friend and without her i feel so lost. Some people say that time helps the heart mend, but for me, everyday is harder.
It seems like everyone else has gone back to there normal lives and routines and i cant because such a big part of me is missing.

I like to think that both of my parents are with me at all times; but sometimes i find myself doughting my faith. I miss them so much

[Roz]

My mum died a month ago and I am missing her terribly. I can't seem to take it in that she has gone. I want to believe so much that she is in a better place and that I will see her again one day.

[Sunny Williams]

My daddy just passed this past Sunday, March 8,2009. He had an illness that he had been battling, but seemed to be doing ok. He went into a coma and was taken to the hospital, but came out of it. I really thought he was going to pull through bc. he was so strong. We later learned that he had also had a heart attack and had pnemomina. I was there with him when he passed. He came out of the coma to witness to his friends and family that he was ready to go home to be with Jesus. My daddy was always my rock and with it being this soon and this raw, I don't know what I am going to do without him. My mom is still here and I have a wonderful husband, son and 2 brothers. I sat with Daddy for the last hour of his life as his heart rate slowed down. I whispered in his ear that it was okay for him to go home to Jesus bc. he had taught us to be strong and take care of things and we had everything here under control. I have remained strong on the outside, but feel like I am dying on the inside. I am still waiting for signs from him to know he is okay and with me. I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I am so proud to be his daughter and I will carry on his legacy. I am a lot like my daddy and so proud to be so. He was a spunky, very intelligent, generous, and loving man. He had the best sense of humor and it's hard not to tell a story about him without laughing bc. he was always messing with people. I know this will get better, but right now it's too raw to imagine that.

[Andrea]

My dad died April 6,2009 from pancreatic cancer, just three weeks after being diagnosed. He had no symptoms until he turned yellow and went to the ER, stage 4 cancer, had spread to stomach, spleen, liver, lungs. He was 65. My mother would not accept that he was dying. She would not let hospice take care of him at first. I called hospice in and he died the next day at home on the bedroom floor. His tumors exploded in his stomach and liver. He felt all of it and bled to death as he was choking on his enternal organs as they poured out of his mouth. My mother held him as he died. I have so much anger towards my mom because she should of had hospice treating his pain symptoms and he should have been on continuous morphine and sedated. She gave him Lortab pills and only when she thought he needed them. I am a nurse and I know that the ending should have been as peaceful as possible. I miss him and feel so empty insde. I keep going for my kids and husband, but there are days I just want to go and be with him and make sure he is OK.

[Tyler]

Thank you so much for this article, even though it wasnt related to what I was origionaly looking for, I am touched by the way you put your words and your experience. I am 14, and September 20, 2008, my mother was brutaly murdered, preceeded in my brother-in-law to suicicde in 2007, and my grandmothers death to cancer in 2005. There is an exceptional truth in your writings, and the shared experiences by all of those in the comments. I hope you all the best, and whichever divine spirit you believe in, be with you.

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[Lioresal]

Your insight is comforting to me. I like to think that my mother is with me all the time now also.

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[shilpa patel]

My father passed in june and i still feel as it happened my life without dad is completely upside down. I am very independent but was very close to my dad and life without him seems so unbearable,but people say it gets better somehow i do not believe.I think it gets better through pretending to be ok.