Pink Thunder: What Happens When You Lose Respect for Someone You Love?

UPDATE: karma's a bitch, ain't it? getting ready for a meeting and using a different part of my brain, I realized that I've been acting just this way with someone in my life. Treating someone in exactly the same squirrelly, mixed signals, indecisive, ultimately less-than-fully-honest-and-straightforward way. With mostly selfish and cowardly reasons at root. So...guess I'd better get on that, huh?

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He's my handstand. Here in the Bay Area, generally speaking people have been doing yoga longer than on the East Coast and so the general practice in a given class tends to skew intermediate to advanced. That means that even though I've been practicing since I was 17, I've been pushed to do some poses I've only seen in Yoga Journal. Which did I mention is based here in San Francisco. I've actually done yoga with someone from Yoga Journal! Wow! (friend of a friend) I even gave her some tips on social media. Wowie!

One of the asanas that's popular at Yoga of Sausalito is the handstand. Where you're upside down standing on your hands, Cirque du Soleil-style. The handstand terrifies me. I don't really trust that I can support myself on my hands online. Being upside-down and seeing the world differently -- all of a sudden -- is shocking and frightening.

I'm kind of a mental person, meaning that my approach to things is most comfortable and more easily accomplished if I can use my mind somehow. But the handstand is beyond mind. And as I've learned - I am usually one of only a couple of people struggling with the handstand in class - it's all about the heart.

I have managed to do it a few times with help. My favorite was when a self-appointed committee of 3 people just overcame my objections and got me up and kept me there. It was great for everyone involved. We all felt a sense of achievement.

Still, on my own, attempting a handstand triggers a rush of mind-canceling adrenaline and panic. My heart chokes and shuts down. "You can't" thoughts arise. "It's not possible" thoughts take over.

It's the same with this one guy. I love him. I really do. I've told him as much but never in person. I know he has feelings for me too but we've never discussed what we really feel, what each of us needs and wants in person. Instead we talk about politics or business or meetings. Anything to block out some stuff that we really should have a conversation about.

Part of me has thus lost a little respect for him. Here I am struggling to get into a handstand and he stands by, checking his blackberry, pretending like nothing's going on. Our relationship/friendship/whatever operates on several different levels. I find his lack of courage in working through the layers to communicate honestly and healthfully, no matter what - I mean, apparently he's just not that into me on one level - to be disappointing. And a little disgusting given that he's a grown man, and not a callow, knock-kneed teenager. It's knocked him off the pedestal certainly more than a few notches.

Does he really imagine that through ignoring the tension that's there that it will just magically disappear and not impact the overall quality of our friendship and collaboration over time? Also, seriously, at this point, I have to consider a hesitance to get next to a red-hot, sword-wielding, super-flexible, blonde blogging diva expert and aspiring author to be crazy. Or perhaps intimidated. And frankly I cross intimidated men off my list immediately once I can smell the smallness they feel on the inside. While it makes me really sad and perplexed sometimes when cool, interesting, sweet guys seem weirdly intimidated, I've ceased to try to make them feel better or get past it or whatever. It never works because external validation can only salve but not heal internal insecurity and low self-worth which has nothing to do with me, ultimately but how a man feels he stacks up in the world generally.

So as for my handstand both real and metaphorical? I'll do it and I think now I will be needing less help. My goal in life is to hang out with people who are interested in supporting each other in our personal development. If you are not interested in your own development, how can I expect you to be interested in mine?

Comments

Your life only lasts for a few decades, Laugh or cry as you like, and it‘s meaningless to oppress yourself. so be sure that you don't leave any regrets.

Posted by: coach sale | July 29, 2010 at 11:30 PM