Saying No to Nick

So I was surprised 2 days ago when I received a facebook friend request from a man that I hadn't spoken to in at least 6 years. And by not spoken to, I mean that I actually re-configured my phone system to filter out his calls so I didn't have to talk to him anymore.

We dated on and off for probably as much as 6 years prior to that, a time during which he consistently treated me badly and lied with almost the same rapidity as breathing.

Why did I tolerate this and in fact seek it out? There are a couple of reasons:

1) much of my 20s were distinguished by a certain self-hatred and general state of emotional confusion
2) being relatively innocent then, I admit to falling for his lies over and over
3) there was some karmic stuff we had to work through

I have felt for some time now that I did as much to resolve that karma as is probably possible in this lifetime given the choices he has made for himself. I have nothing to gain and probably something to lose through any association or connection no matter how tenuous to what has become a dangerous person indeed. So I'm ignoring that request as I've ignored all his efforts to contact me. It feels so good to be able to protect myself from him.

I learned a lot from my experience with Nick, however. From what I've observed from healthy relationships and marriages, they appear to contain the following elements which continually cultivate love:

• trust
• respect
• loyalty
• compassion
• guardianship and a spirit of protection
• guidance -- we all need someone who will challenge us to be more & do better
• a willingness to serve
• a willingness to lead
• a willingness to learn
• attention & presence - so many relationships wither from lack of being there or from hiding one's real needs
• affection -- how regularly do you demonstrate your appreciation of each other in a way you both enjoy?

I think those are the basics. For myself, I'd add:

• a sense of humor - can you still make each other laugh?
• a sense of adventure - life is so short and so fun. are you taking advantage of the opportunities all around us to see, do, learn, give and feel?
• honest communication & fighting fair - this is probably a corollary of some of the above, perhaps

I'm having fun dating in San Francisco. Where else could a trip to the city's most famous health food co-op be seen as a romantic experience that 2 people can share? (I haven't gone yet, but 2 different  boyfriends now have floated it as a possible date since I arrived here almost a year ago. It seems to be one of those things you do, like meeting each other's friends, that advances the relationship. So far, I guess, I haven't been ready to take that important step of going to Rainbow together.) I'll let you know how I do on finding someone willing to do all those things above -- with me. And I wish you good luck on the above yourself.

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