Pink Thunder

Happiness

"Your questions have no answer, being made to still God's Voice, which asks of everyone one question only:

'Are you ready yet to help Me save the world?'

Ask this instead of what the ego is and you will see a sudden brightness cover up the world the ego made. No miracle is now withheld from anyone.
[...]
The miracle forgives; the ego damns."

-- From A Course on Miracles: the Manual for Teachers

Lately I've had to make some tough decisions that involved some personal sacrifice for me. Not perhaps on the material level, but certainly on the emotional level. I have had to have some difficult conversations, in some cases, conversations I avoided for months or even years. One thing I learned from being educated by Quakers is the concept of being led. This means that you listen deeply to the small still voice within and follow your instincts even when you are not sure exactly how something is going to turn out. Even when you are really very afraid of how something is going to turn out. You do it anyway because something inside you is telling you that it's the right thing to do. All signs point in that direction, terrifying and uncertain as it may be to you. And usually it's not half as horrible as you think it's going to be.

Anyway, when I look at the results of those decisions, usually I see happy people. Happy friends, happier family, happy couples, happier families. That's the way things are supposed to be, right? I'm shedding all the secrets I used to keep (from myself and others) and setting myself free. And when you set yourself free, it can inspire others to think of freedom too. Especially the freedom to love.

It's funny, I really am beginning to think that one part of happiness is the secure feeling of knowing you are in the right place at the right time with the right people doing the right thing. When that all happens and it happens in the service of the Good -- is there a more sublime feeling?

I'm trying these days to be more of service in my work, in my life and in my passions. It's a challenge. I also feel called to volunteer again. I used to do this a lot. I've always liked working with kids, especially kids who are having a tough go of it, so I think I'll find out an opportunity to work again with homeless children or children with HIV/AIDS or sick kids or maybe just kids who need a little after-school tutoring. For all of the Bay Area's wealth, there's still plenty of kids and families in need here. I might not be able to really dig in until after the election but until then, I'm just going to put the intention out there and see where I'm led. That part of me is not something a lot of people know about -- that work -- but that's ok. The real reward from service is not something anyone can ever say or give to you. It's something you feel inside you.

Saying No to Nick

So I was surprised 2 days ago when I received a facebook friend request from a man that I hadn't spoken to in at least 6 years. And by not spoken to, I mean that I actually re-configured my phone system to filter out his calls so I didn't have to talk to him anymore.

We dated on and off for probably as much as 6 years prior to that, a time during which he consistently treated me badly and lied with almost the same rapidity as breathing.

Why did I tolerate this and in fact seek it out? There are a couple of reasons:

1) much of my 20s were distinguished by a certain self-hatred and general state of emotional confusion
2) being relatively innocent then, I admit to falling for his lies over and over
3) there was some karmic stuff we had to work through

I have felt for some time now that I did as much to resolve that karma as is probably possible in this lifetime given the choices he has made for himself. I have nothing to gain and probably something to lose through any association or connection no matter how tenuous to what has become a dangerous person indeed. So I'm ignoring that request as I've ignored all his efforts to contact me. It feels so good to be able to protect myself from him.

I learned a lot from my experience with Nick, however. From what I've observed from healthy relationships and marriages, they appear to contain the following elements which continually cultivate love:

• trust
• respect
• loyalty
• compassion
• guardianship and a spirit of protection
• guidance -- we all need someone who will challenge us to be more & do better
• a willingness to serve
• a willingness to lead
• a willingness to learn
• attention & presence - so many relationships wither from lack of being there or from hiding one's real needs
• affection -- how regularly do you demonstrate your appreciation of each other in a way you both enjoy?

I think those are the basics. For myself, I'd add:

• a sense of humor - can you still make each other laugh?
• a sense of adventure - life is so short and so fun. are you taking advantage of the opportunities all around us to see, do, learn, give and feel?
• honest communication & fighting fair - this is probably a corollary of some of the above, perhaps

I'm having fun dating in San Francisco. Where else could a trip to the city's most famous health food co-op be seen as a romantic experience that 2 people can share? (I haven't gone yet, but 2 different  boyfriends now have floated it as a possible date since I arrived here almost a year ago. It seems to be one of those things you do, like meeting each other's friends, that advances the relationship. So far, I guess, I haven't been ready to take that important step of going to Rainbow together.) I'll let you know how I do on finding someone willing to do all those things above -- with me. And I wish you good luck on the above yourself.

Come Closer to Me

Come closer to me, he purred in a mysterious accent, while grabbing a corner of my yoga mat and dragging it up next to his. He looked familiar but at 8.30am Sat yoga class, I'm usually pretty focussed. Today I was bleary-eyed from an overwhelming, exhausting trip to the Democratic National Convention. I wasn't sure I'd really noticed him before. I usually practice next to the far left side of the room where there's a window for fresh Sausalito breezes and a quiet view of a bonsai-like conifer.

His ice-blue eyes were warm, kind and curious as he complimented my chocolate brown patterned yoga mat and asked if I'd made it myself. No, I blushed, I wish I had. I noticed that our mats were quite similar with lots of tread for good grip. Laura, the teacher on Sat am, is becoming a good friend. Her yoga class is one of the most popular and is almost a religious experience. It's like a sangha and attracts many men as well as women. I was hoping to fill myself up with goodness & healing after a confusing, draining week.

We settled into class. His opening om was deep, rich, sonorous. He asked engagingly to be my partner during handstand. I actually got into forearm stand easily -- he inspired confidence as he held me lightly and patiently encouraged me to point my feet. I was even able to spot him better than usual, holding his hips and buttocks firmly in my arms.

I observed his practice out of the corner of my eye. His kranchasana was most impressive -- such  strength and flexibility. Later, we chatted outside agreeing together that we lived in paradise.

We stood across the street from Sushi Ran. It is one of only only a few Michelin starred restaurants in the area, he told me, and naturally one of my favorite neighborhood joints -- I've only ever sat at the sushi bar, I told him. An actual table would be a real treat. He said he knew the chef of the best restaurant in town and could get us a table(!) tonight.

I decided to take a chance and so tonight I'll put on my red dress and dine with the charming and mysterious Ukrainian with the French accent. I'm not sure why he decided to make his move today but I'm curious and would like to know more. He says he has no interest in politics whatsoever (which I doubt - he seems too intelligent not to care just a little) but if there's one thing I'd like to do is talk about anything other than politics tonight with someone. C'est si bon...

Kung Fu Girl & Aquaman, Orson & Eartha

My new main squeeze loves that I do tai chi sword and he's only the 3rd man now outside of my family (and aside from Zheng Qin, my teacher) who has seen me actually bust a few tai chi sword moves with sword in hand. I'm usually pretty shy about that but he's a great guy who is quite disarmingly charming.  We've had dinner a couple of times and he's bought a couple of bottles of Kung Fu Girl riesling for us to share. It's actually quite good btw. Perfect with good pizza.

Another man who has seen one of my swords (I had the Pearl with me and I opened it so he could see it -- boy were those eyes wide) has pulled the rug out from under my feet. Somehow I've said or done something that undid most of what I tried to do when last we met. I'm sometimes inappropriate and insensitive.

It's made me so upset in turn since our last conversation that I got an illness that's rare for me and I had to go get some medicine finally today. When last we met, I told him that we were in danger of Sartre's No Exit. Sartre's vision of hell was a shabby windowless parlor where one is trapped with 2 other people torturing each other with judgment, guilt and unsatisfied desire. The most hellish part is the failure to choose escape it when a choice - a door flung open into empty space - is offered. l'enfer, c'est les autres

There's no getting away from each other, at least for the next couple of years. We have almost hundreds of friends & acquaintances in common now. I figured we might as well make the best of it. Maybe turn our energy into successful initiatives that make a difference. I mean, we didn't even try that hard with the one thing we did together that turned out to be pretty significant. What if we actually worked on some things full force. Really put our backs into it. What might happen?

Maybe I have a new boyfriend

He's a bit older than me, maybe 10 years. That's one thing about moving to SF. The place is just lousy with fit, successful single men of all ages. It's like being able to fish with a frying pan. He's a very interesting person. Perhaps one of the most sophisticated and intelligent men I've dated. You should see his bookcase! (Which btw is a great way to learn about what makes someone tick). Art, philosophy, science, history, poetry, science fiction, classics, techie, business, travel -- fascinating. His music collection is gorgeous.

We're actually a lot alike, which is novel for me. No date with Phil is without adventure, which I like. He's great. So warm, creative, expressive and imaginative, yet financially responsible & accomplished. There's a little grey in his hair which is still shocks me a little since there is as much as over twenty years' age difference between him and some of the men I've recently dated. And while I've enjoyed the pleasures of dating super-hot younger twenty-somethings and while there's something to be said for hunger, energy and enthusiasm, there's also something to be said for experience. A lot to be said. Phil and I have been seeing each other for a little while and the more I learn about him, the more I like what I see.

Sure, there's a part of me that has a soft spot for another guy. But the truth is that we haven't talked about anything aside from power and politics and changing the world in forever. It's like DC is a town obsessed. Consumed. If you're interested in other things, too, it's like there's something wrong with you.

"S" is a great person: a great man who is going to do great things. Already has. And sure, I'll admit it. Part of his tantalizing allure for me is that he's eluded me. And it's true - I like getting what I want. Who doesn't? And I wanted to know all about him -- on every level you can know a man. I wanted to experience his passion, intensity, perception, compassion and intelligence on an additional plane.

But it's so foolish to overlook the gifts that you have in pursuit of something that might not be what you really want or need. As Eckert Tolle writes: Acknowledging the good that is already in your life is the foundation of all abundance. Since he's been dating this one chick, he's gotten well, sort of boring & pedestrian & conservative in mindset. Somehow slightly narrow-minded. Some people open you up and some close you down. I guess I want to be opened up. He did that for me...once.

And really, when you truly love someone, you just want them to be happy and thriving, whatever that looks like for them. Perhaps instead of Orson Welles/Eartha Kitt, we can be more like Judi Dench/Pierce Brosnan. (???) Ok, or something else. I'll figure out a template. We can be brother and sister in arms for the Struggle. There's a lot of work to do and it's important to work alongside people you respect and trust. I have a lot of great friends & colleagues who happen to be men and the best really do feel like brothers to me.

Things are still new between Phil and me, so don't get too excited. You know me...

Dealing with the Whiteness

I was hanging out with some friends sipping wine maybe a year or 2 ago and I was talking about coming to terms with my mixed heritage specifically the Indian part. One of my friends who happens to be white said:"Yeah, well, you're going to have to deal with the whiteness too someday!"

My eyes turned into saucers. There was...an awkward brief silence punctuated by my friend saying: "Seriously, you are the lightest skin black person I've ever known." She looked around at the rest of our friends in the room who were also all white. "I mean, is it just me? It's just sort of obvious!"
There were some averted eyes and shrugs in the crowd.

I took a deep breath and said, "Well, I'll get to that when I get to it."

Time has passed and well, I guess I'm getting to it. The thing is, some of the white ancestors that I know about don't exactly have the best family PR. Also, to be part white in America generally means you're not white at all. It's like the white gets negated or trumped with whatever else it's blended with. It's like it doesn't count. Unless of course you look white. Chuck Norris is half Cherokee (2 of his grandparents were full blood). He was even picked on in OK as a kid for being mixed race, for looking different. But then he left that place and found greater welcome in a wider, more diverse society where he looked white enough to "pass".

I will never be mistaken for being white, although both my grandmothers have. And unlike being part native american, there's not a ton of culture left over. There are a few things, mostly food oriented. So what does it mean to my life to be part white? I don't know. It feels like a whole other layer to peel back or 2 or 3 since the white part of me involves quite a few different ethnicities including Jewish, French, Italian, Spanish, English and Scotch-Irish. Although not all of those counted as white in the 1800s or 1900s in America. Ha. Who knows: maybe black will be white too someday! That's the way it is in Brazil -- whiteness isn't exactly an ethnicity. Instead it's more of a class.

That's not my dream though. I'll tell you a secret: us mixed race folks tend to chuckle amongst ourselves and whisper conspiratorially to each other -- "someday everyone will look like us!" That is, if people can pull down artificial barriers to love.

Love and Power

So this weekend I had a bit of a challenge in that there were some men from my past at a large gathering. In addition to, as it turned out, a couple of men in my present who expressed interest in pursuing a relationship. I just started dating someone here so I'm going to keep those guys as friends I hope. That was relatively easy to manage.

More challenging were the men from my past in D.C. As it turned out, all the interactions with them revolved around power. One sought power over my body, one over my time and another over my own power and influence which he feels he's partly helped to create.

This forced me to begin a confrontation of what has to be one of my greatest fears = a man having power over my personal life in some way. (Along with heights and falling. And drowning. And centipedes) When you have a brother or friend-type relationship, things often feel more equal, at least to me.  When the heart gets involved it can feel different. Some guys want to stake a claim or demonstrate some kind of ownership or power or influence over you and your behavior and your thoughts and dreams. Traditionally, I've usually played it coy and wiggly when I sense an air of possession and entitlement in a man toward me.

I don't like the thought of anyone owning me or having a claim. I enjoy the great luxury that is freedom and have fought hard enough for it. 70% of professional black women are single so I'm not alone there either.

The thing is -- I'm a big believer in confronting your fears. Because only when you are free from fear are you truly free. So if this is one of my fears, should I try to cultivate a relationship with a man who can lay claim on me while preserving --- and possibly increasing -- my sense of freedom and independence?

Redemption

So I decided to email my friend and be honest about how I felt. And it felt good. I would have done it in person except he's on the other side of the country. And I also felt email would allow me to be more articulate as opposed to a stammering phone call where I might sound dumb or unkind or shallow. So I did it. He didn't write back. But deep down, I kinda knew he might not.

Yes, My Princess

So an astrologer/psychic who came highly recommended by a former co-worker/fabulous tech PR executive told me that my career is going through a total explosion (in a good way) and that I am almost mid-way through that cycle with some of the impact of things happening now yet to come. That's pretty exciting.

Yet, she also told me that my marriage house is totally empty. And I looked at the chart in front of me and sure enough, bare as a bone licked white by your neighbor's dog. On the one hand, I don't have any excuses. I've done most of the things I really wanted to do in life and if I'd really wanted to be married with kids, I would have done that already. Yet part of me feels the social stigma of my failure to attach to another single human being. And also, I would like to find that person who is my best friend and lover for life. That's normal.

The truth is that I'm pretty self-sufficient and enjoy my independence. It's not the first time I've heard that the marriage train might not be stopping at my station for a bit so I had to ask myself, well self, what do I want?

Perhaps the most prudent course of action is to take another lover for awhile. Someone entertaining, relaxing, intriguing, exciting. Strong, smart, nurturing and kind. Someone from whom I can learn something new. I'm not terribly worried about my prospects. In the 8 months I've been here, I've had 2 boyfriends (both fine as hell and smart too) and have been grabbed and kissed at random 3 times. It usually happens in the Mission. After midnight. I thought that might be normal for San Francisco but when I told a friend she said: "No, I think it's the hair. Definitely the hair."

I can't complain after all. I'm ridiculously, ecstatically happy here and never dreamed really I could feel so good about myself, my life, my friendships, my family and my work. Not all is perfect of course. They never are. But things overall are in a good place for me and I feel the love & marriage situation will work itself in time in a happy way too.

Here please find a video I found amusing. It's about Japanese women who patronize the "Butler's Cafe" where they are waited on hand and foot by hot Western men. It's a bit tame by our standards in the West though I like that each lady gets a differently designed tiara, there are sweets involved and the waiters call you "My Princess." To update this for America, I'd certainly patronize an establishment that offered tall hot Brazilian and Italian soccer players with a menu of places to rub -- shoulders, feet, hands, temples. Wouldn't it make tea with the girls more interesting if a handsome man carried you to your seat and entertained you with some pleasant chitchat while complimenting everyone's outfits?

Along with some shoulder and foot massage, having a tall blond handsome and shirtless man on his knees feeding me salted caramel and snickerdoodle ice cream with chocolate sauce while calling me "My Princess"? Priceless. Some say this is sexist and objectifying. I am confused by these objections. Anyone wishing to invest in the concept -- let me know.

What Happens When You Lose Respect for Someone You Love?

UPDATE: karma's a bitch, ain't it? getting ready for a meeting and using a different part of my brain, I realized that I've been acting just this way with someone in my life. Treating someone in exactly the same squirrelly, mixed signals, indecisive, ultimately less-than-fully-honest-and-straightforward way. With mostly selfish and cowardly reasons at root. So...guess I'd better get on that, huh?

_____

He's my handstand. Here in the Bay Area, generally speaking people have been doing yoga longer than on the East Coast and so the general practice in a given class tends to skew intermediate to advanced. That means that even though I've been practicing since I was 17, I've been pushed to do some poses I've only seen in Yoga Journal. Which did I mention is based here in San Francisco. I've actually done yoga with someone from Yoga Journal! Wow! (friend of a friend) I even gave her some tips on social media. Wowie!

One of the asanas that's popular at Yoga of Sausalito is the handstand. Where you're upside down standing on your hands, Cirque du Soleil-style. The handstand terrifies me. I don't really trust that I can support myself on my hands online. Being upside-down and seeing the world differently -- all of a sudden -- is shocking and frightening.

I'm kind of a mental person, meaning that my approach to things is most comfortable and more easily accomplished if I can use my mind somehow. But the handstand is beyond mind. And as I've learned - I am usually one of only a couple of people struggling with the handstand in class - it's all about the heart.

I have managed to do it a few times with help. My favorite was when a self-appointed committee of 3 people just overcame my objections and got me up and kept me there. It was great for everyone involved. We all felt a sense of achievement.

Still, on my own, attempting a handstand triggers a rush of mind-canceling adrenaline and panic. My heart chokes and shuts down. "You can't" thoughts arise. "It's not possible" thoughts take over.

It's the same with this one guy. I love him. I really do. I've told him as much but never in person. I know he has feelings for me too but we've never discussed what we really feel, what each of us needs and wants in person. Instead we talk about politics or business or meetings. Anything to block out some stuff that we really should have a conversation about.

Part of me has thus lost a little respect for him. Here I am struggling to get into a handstand and he stands by, checking his blackberry, pretending like nothing's going on. Our relationship/friendship/whatever operates on several different levels. I find his lack of courage in working through the layers to communicate honestly and healthfully, no matter what - I mean, apparently he's just not that into me on one level - to be disappointing. And a little disgusting given that he's a grown man, and not a callow, knock-kneed teenager. It's knocked him off the pedestal certainly more than a few notches.

Does he really imagine that through ignoring the tension that's there that it will just magically disappear and not impact the overall quality of our friendship and collaboration over time? Also, seriously, at this point, I have to consider a hesitance to get next to a red-hot, sword-wielding, super-flexible, blonde blogging diva expert and aspiring author to be crazy. Or perhaps intimidated. And frankly I cross intimidated men off my list immediately once I can smell the smallness they feel on the inside. While it makes me really sad and perplexed sometimes when cool, interesting, sweet guys seem weirdly intimidated, I've ceased to try to make them feel better or get past it or whatever. It never works because external validation can only salve but not heal internal insecurity and low self-worth which has nothing to do with me, ultimately but how a man feels he stacks up in the world generally.

So as for my handstand both real and metaphorical? I'll do it and I think now I will be needing less help. My goal in life is to hang out with people who are interested in supporting each other in our personal development. If you are not interested in your own development, how can I expect you to be interested in mine?