Pink Thunder

Kung Fu Girl & Aquaman, Orson & Eartha

My new main squeeze loves that I do tai chi sword and he's only the 3rd man now outside of my family (and aside from Zheng Qin, my teacher) who has seen me actually bust a few tai chi sword moves with sword in hand. I'm usually pretty shy about that but he's a great guy who is quite disarmingly charming.  We've had dinner a couple of times and he's bought a couple of bottles of Kung Fu Girl riesling for us to share. It's actually quite good btw. Perfect with good pizza.

Another man who has seen one of my swords (I had the Pearl with me and I opened it so he could see it -- boy were those eyes wide) has pulled the rug out from under my feet. Somehow I've said or done something that undid most of what I tried to do when last we met. I'm sometimes inappropriate and insensitive.

It's made me so upset in turn since our last conversation that I got an illness that's rare for me and I had to go get some medicine finally today. When last we met, I told him that we were in danger of Sartre's No Exit. Sartre's vision of hell was a shabby windowless parlor where one is trapped with 2 other people torturing each other with judgment, guilt and unsatisfied desire. The most hellish part is the failure to choose escape it when a choice - a door flung open into empty space - is offered. l'enfer, c'est les autres

There's no getting away from each other, at least for the next couple of years. We have almost hundreds of friends & acquaintances in common now. I figured we might as well make the best of it. Maybe turn our energy into successful initiatives that make a difference. I mean, we didn't even try that hard with the one thing we did together that turned out to be pretty significant. What if we actually worked on some things full force. Really put our backs into it. What might happen?

So I'm a Reikimaster now

One of the things I love about the Bay Area is that unlike DC, there are lots of people who are interested in the same things that I am interested in. Going to the next stage of Reiki training was difficult in DC but not here. Also Reiki knowledge and pris pretty advanced here. There are a lot of opportunities to learn and also to share. I was just invited to a Reiki Share this weekend, but I can't go since I am coming home to see my grandmother. She has been moved to a new, super-nice, small house-like facility called Alfred House in Rockville. She seems to like it there I am told and is making new friends. She's a lot less confused than before, but still kinda batsh*t crazy. In a fun way, though. She's starting to experiment with walking and eating a little which are wonderful signs of vitality. Mostly french fries so far though.  A hot dog has also been requested though not yet delivered I think.

I am only Level IIIa which means I am a reikimaster now but I cannot yet attune nor train others. Sorry, y'all. The reiki army will have to wait. Which is just as well, because I am still recovering from the effects. First there were real physical effects. Reiki energy would just randomly start pouring from parts of my body -- hands, head, root chakra (good lord). The latter experience at times left me a bit flustered.

At dinner with friends, for example, my right hand just turned red hot and everyone wanted to touch my hands to feel the difference. My friends were impressed. "Oooo...!" they said. And possibly a little scared. But then dessert came and everyone, including me, forgot all about Reiki energy healing.

One Additional Way to Leave Your Lover -- Using Sword Tai Chi

I know, I know -- you want to hear all about Cali. On the east coast, people treat you a little like you've died and gone to a sunnier, more casually dressed heaven where everyone is tan, eats organic produce, does yoga and no one is fat when you move to California. And yes, it is sort of like that. More on that theme later.

First, a look back....

He turned to leave and then circled to face me, blocking the door. He looked at me as if committing my image to memory and then, glanced quickly down at the polished bottom step. My travel sword rested there, curled into itself, asleep before the long journey west.

"You know, I've never seen you do that."

I looked at the sword and then at him. I answered with a side shrug and guilty smile.

"I want to see you do it," he said. To my raised eyebrows, he said more urgently, "I do -- I want to see you do it -- just once."

Take Me As I Am

I recently had a really beautiful experience doing my form to Mary J. Blige's "Take Me As I Am." There's something about the song that got me smack dab where I am right now with a lot of change behind me...and ahead of me too.

She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

Because it's all there in your form. There's nowhere to hide in that space. At least not from yourself. For me, there's all the rage and grief, all the pride and fury, the arrogance. The stumbling, cutting corners, sliding by. The weakness, hesitance, reticence, withholding. The Struggle, yes. It's all in there.

But also: there's generosity, grace, humor, humility, righteousness, strength, serenity, courage, patience, power, passion, perserverence, love, creation, compassion, flying, leaping and joy. Lots and lots of Joy.

Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be

She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

I really don't think I'm the first person to do tai chi sword to MJB. In fact, there's some sophomore at Kim Chu Luk High School in Singapore (made up name) who right now is probably competing in the regional tai chi sword girls' championships. And she is bringing it, bitches. But she's not going to win. The winner will be the girl with the limp-wristed routine done to Debussy or the latest Hong Kong pop song. But our heroine knew that going in. That wasn't what her performance was about. There's more than one way to win.

You know I've been holdin on.
Tried to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs [or tai chi]
Just so you can feel me.

Right now I am loving all the parts where I get to open my arms wide like a bird. One of my favorite moves in the Yang Style 32 form was White Crane Lifts Its Wing. The Chen style taijijian form so far doesn't seem to have that. There's a point though between Celestial Points the Way Out and Ancient Tree Twists Its Roots where I open my arms and then stamp my thrust out right foot. For the first time, I felt my arms open in an actual embrace -- of what you ask? I don't know -- all of it! The stamp felt different too. The moves together felt like both a surrender and a command at once.

So it's all or nothing at all,
All or nothing at all
Don't you know I can only be me.
(I can only be me, yeah)

Sometimes I do like to practice to the sound of the trees or the waves or the wind. Or even the traffic. Practicing to the right music can be a whole new experience and open up your practice in unexpected ways. I'm also enjoying a lovely, peaceful mix of Balinese gamelan and modern classical music called American Gamelan. I recommend it highly.

Oh and I've found the perfect name for the tai chi sword move I invented where you do a 360 to slice your oppenent in half at the trunk. "Drop It Like It's Hot". ;-) What do you think?

"I thought Tai Chi was supposed to be non-violent!"

he said.

I answered, "Well, it is an internal practice. It's designed to build inner strength through resistance... and through the increase of chi. Any of the moves can be sped up for self-defense though. So using a sword in tai chi is not so strange. That said, your strongest opponent in tai chi -- sword or no sword -- is always yourself."

"oh" he said. Eyes cast down, head bent, shoulders slumped. Mouth a bit grim. I supposed he might be a bit worried that I could kick his behind for real. And perhaps disappointed that tai chi is not exactly the non-martial art it might appear to be in its marketing.

In terms of kicking someone's hindparts who's over 6 feet tall, for example? Well, that's unlikely since I am working on slowing down in my practice rather than speeding up. Also, I'm more like one of those cute little Maltese dogs. Small, cute, lively, mean, relentless. Yet affectionate. And blissfully, bravely indifferent to the size of other dogs.

You can laugh all you want. Rappers like Sean Combs and Joseph Simmons have Maltese dogs. Anyway, my bark about Tai Chi Sword is still much bigger than my bite. And I told him so. In my own way. "So now I've told you the strangest thing about me. What about you?"

New Tai Chi Sword Gear

To celebrate my acceptance of an exciting new job, I bought a cute little iPod silver shuffle (replacing the heavy old video iPod I've been putting in my shorts pocket or tucking in the waistband of my yoga pants). The shuffle is so light it's like invisible magically random music from my imagination.

I also bought some Ecco shoes. They are *perfect* for tai chi!!! I recommend them highly. These are women's shoes of course. Dudes -- gotta find your own. Though I reckon Ecco has some that are similar.

For so long, I've struggled with cool Chinese-y shoes with stiff soles. Or sandals in which my feet slipped around. Or with bulky running shoes. Now, I have super-light shoes that grip my feet and are superior to going bare foot which would be the next best thing in terms of stability and flexibility. These shoes make me feel so secure in my practice. My balance is much better, my lunges are deeper and my center of gravity has a much stronger pivot. Soooo awesome.

Here's a link to a recommended men's version that might work. Maybe. If I see something closer, I will let you know.

Also cool is the new Wii Pirate of the Caribbean game. It would be cool to practice sword play in a whole new way. That's what's exciting about the Pirates movies. However, I saw At World's End recently. It was fun and a very crazy story. And let's say the mysterious romance between 2 of the more outlandish characters reminds Pink Thunder of a few of her own adventures of the past. HOWEVER -- the swordplay sequences overall left a lot to be desired. Yawn.

Reviewers are giving the game a few yawns too. Maybe I'll wait for Wii 2 and Pirates 4 ;-)

The Wheel of Life

So you may recall that I went rockclimbing a couple of months ago. I was scared and had been scared for a full year. I've always been a little afraid of heights. Ok, maybe a lot afraid of heights. I am grateful both to the friends who gave me the gift certificate for my birthday and to the friend who graciously agreed to accompany me and be supportive. Along with snowboarding, it helped me to conquer some of my fear. Fear is so silly after all and is the opposite, in the end, of love.

Rockclimbing was a big deal for me. Black people, as a rule, don't rock climb so it forced me to redefine myself. Rockclimbing also required believing that I could learn something new and challenge myself physically in a way I hadn't before. Oh there'd been an early brief and traumatic exposure to rockclimbing in the 7th grade when I started private school. But it was different. No harnesses or anything. It wasn't that serious.

I had expected to see a small difference in my approach to life afterward. I hoped that my tai chi sword practice might progress a bit forward after all this fear-facing. I can report that I think my rhythm changed a bit for the better to be a little more natural and even less "robotic" as my old teacher Zheng Qin used to say. And the 2 running leap/thrusts in my new Chen style form (Green Dragon Turns Around and Wild Horse Leaps over a Gully) feel bigger and freer.

The biggest change though was in my yoga practice. For at least 7 years, I'd been trying to do an asana called the Wheel or Upward Bow. I would strain on my arms bent at the elbow, pushing and pushing -- my head never leaving the ground. I couldn't go all the way. My Wheel was a bit flat. So to speak.

Not long after rockclimbing, one bright morning, I tried Wheel on a whim. With a big inhale, I just pushed up all the way to my own surprise.

Wow! Look at the view from here! I am so high! And upside down = Ooo whee!

Now -- how do I get down?

The first time, I felt a little like the kitten that climbs a tree and is afraid to come down. :-)

Now, I like doing the Wheel. It's a powerful, strength-building, sight-clearing position for the whole body and afterwards, I usually need a mini-meditation to recover. It's called Chakra-asana for a reason. I still have a little anxiety on getting down and out of the asana but that fades a little each time I do it. You have to confront both your own strength and your vulnerability in fully opening your body in Chakra-asana. You are pretty unguarded in this position and you have to be ok with that.

It's true that my upper body is stronger from doing Chen-style sword. But it's as true that all that time, my own fear had held me back. Had literally held me down. Finally, something was freed inside me. No longer was I afraid of what would happen if I unleashed my own strength to lift myself off the ground and fly.

That's a real gift.

I do regret that the stress of the experience seems to have left in its wake a certain chasm in a friendship from which I'd benefited more than I realized -- until after it was gone. After rockclimbing, there's been a strain, a coldness and a distance I admit I still don't understand. Perhaps once a door is opened inside a person, there's a place where some are not able or willing to enter with you. Even if they are the one who helped bust the door down. It was a cost I wasn't expecting to pay. Nevertheless, I'll always be grateful to my friends for a gift I don't even know how to start repaying. To learn more about Wheel position and if you are interested to try it for yourself, check out these Yoga Journal or Santosha pages.

Afro Chi Jian

As it turns out, I think I've invented my own tai chi sword move. I thought it was a holdover from the Yang-Style form I'd learned back in China that had stuck with me, like Dragon Whips Its Tail (one of my favorites. I'm secretly hoping it shows up in Chen-Style.) But the more I practice, the more I think I may have created something original just by chance. It's hard to describe but it follows tai chi basic principles and I use it for focus, balance, release and to explore the concepts of empty and full.

It is a dramatic 360 degree spinning turn that ends in a lunge (right leg forward) with both hands on the hilt pulled to the right side low and close to the body in a guarded position. Essentially I think the motion cuts your invisible opponent clean in half at the waistline.

So I've been trying to think of a name for my move. Which is when it occurred to me that if African-Americans had invented tai chi jian, all the moves would have very different names. The symbolism in our culture is quite different and would most likely involve fewer action sequence names inspired by nature or semi-mythological tragic national heroes, for instance.

I'm not religious per se. I don't attend a church regularly nor do I follow a minister. I have my own spiritual beliefs, you might say. Still, I have some roots in my little sub-culture and so can use my imagination. So -- tongue in cheek, of course -- here are a few names for Afro Chi Jian (Afro Chi Sword) or Afro Chi Chuan poses if it existed:

Gospel/Spiritual-Inspired Names:

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
My Eye is on the Sparrow
Go Tell It on the Mountain
Crossing the River Jordan
Bridge over Troubled Water
This Little Light of Mine
Precious Lord, Take My Hand

Food and Family-Inspired Names:

Makin' Cornbread with Grandma
Puttin' on Hot Sauce
Fish Fry
Arriving at the Family Reunion
Fixin' a Plate

Triumphing over Racism-Inspired Names:

We Shall Overcome
Evade The Man
Shatter Glass Ceiling
Brother/Sister Leaps Over The Man
40 Acres and A Mule
Preserve Affirmative Action
Malcolm's Chickens Come Home to Roost
Martin Luther King on the Mountaintop
Makin' A Way Outta No Way

Jesus/Biblical Verse-Inspired Names:

Jesus Can Work It Out
Jesus Walks with Me
Footprints in the Sand
Kissing the Hem of His Garment
No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper
Woman, Thou Art Loosed

Um...Other Names Inspired by Lyrics, Literature or Life:

Brickhouse
Kind of Blue
'Round Midnight
It Don't Mean a Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)
Take the A Train
Mama, You Know I Love You
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
Your Arms Are Too Short to Box with God
Don't Make Me Come Over There
Don't Start None, Won't Be None
Talk to the Hand
Back That Thang On Up
Shake it But Don't Break It
Badonkadonk Rising
Black Crusader Strikes

Ha! Make up your own alternative names for your favorite moves. As for me, I haven't come up with one yet for my move. I think I will have to do it for awhile yet and let the name come to me.

Thinking About Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

This weekend, I was learning lesson 4 on my Chen-style DVD with Jesse Tsao. I was a bit take aback to see how bold and aggressive the sequence was. Half or more of the poses are hacking movements. It looked distinctly ungraceful and unfeminine. It also looked challenging.

For the second half of Wild Horse Jumps Over A Gully, Jesse describes it thusly: "This is a pretty big (pause pause) sword move-around." Yeah, like 180 degrees!

So Lesson 4 posed a challenge both physically and emotionally. Looking and then learning the postures, I despaired a little that I am no good at the much more feminine (and currently fashionable among 20 and 30-somethings) hobby of knitting or needlepoint. Instead, I am good at pretending to hack people into pieces in moves like Black Bear Turns Back or slice their throats open like White Snake Splits Its Tongue. Gracefully and spiritually, of course!

Then I decided to stop fighting who I am and embrace the poses. As I absorbed them, I found them a bit dance-y -- something that would go great with a hip hop beat against it. I especially liked the hoparound of Zhonghui Raises His Sword.

I quickly was able to integrate it into the rest of the form and have fun with it. Tai chi sword is constantly pushing and challenging us in that way. It is a confrontational form meant to push you forward on multiple levels.

My renewed self-acceptance led to some interesting encounters in the park. People seemed much more curious and entered my space freely for the overlook, even though they could see my sword. I would pause and we'd all admire the view together of the Anacostia stretching into the Maryland trees. Sometimes they'd look down at my sword in one hand balanced on the tip of my shoe and then look up at me and Smile! Or they would ask me what I was doing and in a couple of cases, both women in their late 40s, I gave them my sword to try out and play with. The look on their faces of pure joy and adventure was priceless.

It felt good to open up my practice to include other people. Instead of judging me harshly as I once feared, they have almost all been very warm, intrigued and delighted to make my acquaintance. It feels good to talk with people about what I am doing and in return, I've learned things. Tai chi sword is instinctive in a way and people pick up on some of the fundamentals behind the movements quickly in an almost sub-conscious way. Also, a woman taught me a great qi gong exercise -- holding the invisible precious vase and squatting low and up again. She said it's great for long plane trips and I could also instantly feel the microcosmic effects for the whole body -- the rising chi made my hands tingle! 

Tai Chi Sword Tidbits

So I am only halfway through the DVD teaching myself Chen-style, but I feel ok about taking my time. My goal had been to be finished by springtime! Ambitious, perhaps.

I went to the National Arboretum this am which luckily for me is a 5 min drive away. It was spectacularly, ridiculously beautiful, like an Easter parade. I went to my favorite spot and Tai Chi Guy wasn't there! Hurray! My spot is high on a hill at the edge of the park and overlooks  the Anacostia's flow. There were quite a few boats out on the water, several of which moved closer to the bank to look up and watch me practice. Knocked me off my groove the first time I noticed. Then I got used to it. I was pretty high up but they must have seen the Pearl flashing like a mirror in the sun and they wanted to know what it was, I suppose.

I practiced for the first time to classical music: Johann Strauss. It was nice, but the best was when I just practiced to the sound of the birds in the trees. It was one of the best practices I've ever had: my lunges were deeper than ever before. I felt quite grounded and connected to the earth. I could feel connections I never felt before, like the importance of the hip in bringing around the arm beautifully in "Ancient Tree Twists Its Roots". I am a little stuck for some reason when it comes to "Tiger Pounces on Prey" but I had a real breakthrough with my 2 Repulse Monkey moves. Yay!

I have resolved to be more open about my practice and sharing with others. I imagine that it is rare to meet anyone, man or woman, who does tai chi sword, so I'd like to be a better ambassador. I am thinking of having a tai chi sword party and having a few friends over. I only have 3 swords, but I am thinking of getting another and we could play around.

This is a bit taboo, but I'd like to be more open to having people try out my sword. I've only allowed a few random people the opportunity to hold my sword for themselves and they seemed to get a real kid-like kick out of it. Might be nice to show someone a few swings. Of course, they won't fully understand the philosophy of movement etc. but it's fine maybe just to give people a taste.

I didn't do that today but I did try to share my space, which is truly amazing overlook, with others as they came by to look. I don't want to be a space hog like Tai Chi Guy, who is almost always at my favorite spot doing really good looking Tai Chi Chuan when I want to practice. He will practice for hours at a time! Grrr.

I even took the pictures of some ladies sightseeing while in town for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. I thanked them for their work.  I said good morning to all. In return, when I sat on the bench for meditation, people would shush each other or their kids so as not to disturb me (which they weren't anyway). People can be really nice.